Before I go into this post, I just want to preface it by saying that I’m writing this in a low mood state.
Writing is cathartic and I’m hoping by the end of this post I’ll feel lighter, but just to warn you, in case you too are in a dark place right now, that I’m feeling negative today so this content will be moody. I don’t want to be adding to your situation, so take care of yourself first and I’ll be here for you another time.
Anyway, with that being said – I’m struggling right now.
Obviously this year is hard for all of us and regardless of what kind of privileges – or even, on the other side, disadvantages cause we’re all on the same boat here – you have, things are shitty to say the least.
I’m writing this halfway through the second official lockdown in England, and while it might seem like we’re near the end of it no one is fooled. We all know this is going to go on longer than the government is saying, and it’s highly unlikely that we’re going to be ready for Christmas (which is what they want us to believe at this point. That sounds like I’m a conspiracist but honestly, they keep mentioning Christmas like no one can see what’s actually going on)
Like I said, whether you’re in a privileged position or not, things are just plain shit right now. I’m super privileged in many ways, but I also have a lot of feelings going on that I wanted to share.
A minor side note, when it comes to things like this that effect everyone, regardless of status or privilege or whatever, I think we should just be allowed to have feelings and rant sometimes. Sure, it can come off as in bad taste if, say, you’re crying about lockdown from your mansion or whatever. But, you know, times are tough and we’re all dealing with things in our own way at the moment. Besides, I’m certainly not crying from a mansion! While I have certain things going for me (ie, a safe environment and work still) that I’m super grateful for, I also have some things I’m dealing with and this blog is a safe space for you and I to talk about that.
Right, enough disclaimers.
As you might have guessed, I’m not doing too great. And I assume you’re not either?
I want this blog to be a positive space where we can talk about our goals and progression in them, but first and foremost I want it to be honest. And as much as I want to write about the things I’d like to work on or whatever, I would be lying if I didn’t address how shit I feel in this moment.
In a few posts recently I’ve spoken about the changes I want to make and the things I’m trying to do to become better – but let’s be honest there’s no progress to report there.
My eating habits and overspending continue to feel out of control, because I haven’t incorporated new coping mechanisms to replace them. And of course now I’m struggling, they’re the only thing I know what to do for a two-second hit of dopamine.
I’ve also spoken before about how difficult I find ‘feelings’ and processing them (search for Brene Brown on this blog to learn more) and as there’s so many going on for me currently, I’m struggling.
I’m really missing my fiancé, my friends, and the freedom that comes with just not living in a pandemic. You feel me? It’s the missing people that gets me the most, especially in terms of my romantic partner because that’s just something I never let myself feel or express. Because, you know, I’m not like other girls or something (that’s a post idea, if you’d be interested)
Is anyone else constantly tired because of the non-stop anxiety right now?
I don’t even suffer from anxiety or anything like that, bar from being just a regular nervous person, so my god I cannot even imagine how you must be feeling if this is part of your life normally. You are strong, you are worthy and I want you to take extra care of yourself, okay?
We all need to take extra care of ourselves right now and I think we need to do the hard bits of self care even more. You know what I mean, the things like making sure you’re sleeping properly, eating real food, getting dressed, keeping clean, taking medication, speaking and being honest about our feelings, asking for help, cutting down screen time, exercising… The boring ‘adult’ bits of self care that you won’t see on Instagram.
It’s so hard to do though. Trust me, it’s certainly easier said than done.
I feel like I’ve lost all sense of meaning in life right now. I don’t know what to do or what’s the point in doing anything, which is a frightening headspace to be in.
I’m sure we all know what we need to do, but actually getting it done? That’s another story.
So, instead of me trying to help you or dole out my unsolicited advice like always I want you to please help me, and everyone else reading.
How are you coping? What are you doing to look after yourself? How do you cope with sadness? What is bringing you joy right now? What should we avoid to protect our mental health?
I’d love to hear anything and everything from you. Seriously, no advice will be wasted here!
Please get in touch, I appreciate you. Take care, friends.
Speak soon,
Rachael.
Rachaelic 