It’s been such a long time since I’ve even thought about writing, let alone had any kind of motivation to open this site up again, that I’m not quite sure what to do now.
Actually, I tell a lie. I’ve thought about writing every single day, but berated myself for not being able to and not doing ‘enough’. And that’s sort of what I wanted to talk about today. This will in no way be my most eloquent post but I have some things I finally want to get off my chest.
Life has been a bit mad for me these past few months – a statement I’ve definitely said many times on this blog! But this time I mean it, officially. To cut a very long story short, I have been struggling with my mental health so much that I am no longer working in my part-time customer service job I’ve had since I finished university over a year ago.
That’s kind of all I want to say on that at the moment, but just know that it wasn’t a decision I took lightly and is something that has caused great anxiety and stress for me over these past few weeks.
However, now everything is official and I am free from something that became so negative to me, I am finally starting to feel hopeful once more. It’s only a tiny glimmer, like a penny at the bottom of the wishing well shining brightly in the right light, but it’s more than I’ve had in a long time.
Along with that hope though is my familiar companions; fear and worry. Now I don’t have a job to go to everyday I don’t have anything to shut them up with. Although the job seemed to only add to my issues, at least feeling like I was making some kind of progress by earning money kept these thoughts at bay every once in a while.
Now, for the first time in my life, I have no plan, no direction and no ‘next step’. I don’t even have any ideas for what I want to do. And this is so difficult because I’ve always been that kid. You know the one, that kid that’s always known what they’re going to do in life. I knew what I’d study at university since the age of nine!
Yet now I have no clue and it’s terrifying. I worked so hard for so long to get good grades and my degree and now I feel like I’ve stopped. I have no where to go anymore and it’s terrifying.
But I also know that I’m not the only one who feels like this, despite what I see on Instagram or Twitter. Not everyone is productive and successful all the time. I think it’s perfectly normal to have lulls and lows in life but when it’s happening to you, you feel so alone.
Take it from me, the girl who has always had a plan and had no previous issues with mental health, we all feel like this sometimes. We all struggle sometimes and that’s nothing to be ashamed about, regardless of what that voice in your head says.
There’s been so many stories of young people in the public eye struggling with mental health issues recently and I think it’s time we all clue up. Mental health isn’t something that only a few people have to deal with. We all have a mental health that needs to be taken care of and some times we need more help with that.
I don’t really know where I’m going with this now, but I just wanted to put some thoughts out there and get myself writing again. Hopefully hearing my story might help someone feel less alone. I may feel like a failure, I may feel like a mess but that doesn’t mean I am and that doesn’t mean that there’s anything wrong with that.
There’s nothing wrong with what you’re experiencing either.
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