May 10: Bodies
I feel like I should have planned this post before I wrote it, but I guess that goes against the point of the challenge. I just know I’m going to have a lot to say about bodies.
I’ve already touched on it during my weight post (read here) but I have a weird relationship with my body.
I feel like for the longest time we’ve had a toxic relationship – with me being the toxic one. I have been so mean to my body for so long; not treating it right, talking to it horribly and genuinely just being mean to it.
As I said last time, I have put on a lot of weight over the past few years and this has been something that I always think about. No matter how many body positive people I follow online or self-help books I read, I still get so in my head about the size of my body.
I know it doesn’t matter, I know that being fat isn’t a bad thing, and I know that my weight really isn’t that big of a deal – but I’m still not quite there with believing it.
I found a video of myself yesterday from when I was around 18 or 19 and I was so shocked at how small I was. I always thought I was fat, I have certainly been the biggest out of my girlfriends for as long as I can remember, but there I was at a size I’d like to be now.
A few months ago, that would have sent me down a spiral of self hatred and really toxic behaviours. But surprisingly yesterday, although I was shocked by the size of my body then, I was more concerned about how young I looked; about how little I had experienced at that age.
I am constantly trying to take my focus away from my body, instead putting it into my personality, my hobbies and my work. But every now and again I have my moments where I am plagued with insecurity.
My body is probably the biggest insecurity I have, but over time it has just been one of many. I am a chronic comparer – I always look at other people and see how I fall short. This is something that has gotten worse with the more time I spend on social media, but I do it a lot in life offline too.
It is something I am really trying to work on and some days I can be quite kind to myself.
The daft thing is, sometimes I quite like my body. Or at least I like my body on someone else. Not in a sexual way, as I realise that sounds (well, you know, that too), but I look at other girls who have the same kind of body as me, one’s with big hips and big bums, and I think they look great.
I love seeing a chubby girl in fitting clothes; I love seeing soft bellies fold as they sit down; I love big hips in tight jeans. That is until I see it on myself.
The way I feel about my body has causes issues in friendships and my relationship. I know I’m not the only one who has been having such an insecure day that they just hide away and feel angry.
That doesn’t happen so much anymore, but like I said I have my moments.
I am really trying to be kinder to my body. At the end of the day, she’s alright and I have so much to be thankful for.
Thanks to my body I can sit here typing, I can take my dog on long walks, I can dance on a night out, I can hug my family, I can make out with my partner, I can eat amazing foods.
I can do so much with this body of mine, surely that means more than the way it looks?