I’ve Been Scared To Come Back…

Well, long time no write friends!

I’ve just had a look and the last time I published anything on this blog was the end of last year -and I don’t really want to count that as a ‘proper post’ because it was just a quick message.

I’ve thought about coming back and writing basically none stop, but that hasn’t resulted in me logging on and typing until now. It seems that the longer you let things go, the harder it is to come back.

This is something I’ve experienced in various areas of my life, from eating habits to socialising (both of which have been hit really hard due to the events of the past year or so) so you think I’d have learnt my lesson by now, but that’s just not how life goes sometimes.

Even though this is my blog, ‘my little corner of the internet’ as I was fond of saying, it’s felt terrifying to try to come back and write again. This is my space, it’s something I created and something I now even pay for, yet there’s been something holding me back from creating for months.

I’ve spoken about fear and creation a lot on this blog, thanks to my obsession with Elizabeth Gilbert’s Big Magic which changed my life a few years ago, but I forgot how real it can be when you’re in that space. And that’s why I thought my first post ‘back’, as it were, had to be a little explanation to get both you and I used to things again.

The Notes app on my phone has several pages of ideas for this blog and sometimes I can’t sleep at night because I’m thinking about what I want to write about so much, yet taking the time to sit here and do it is another thing altogether! I’m a writer by trade now (which sounds so unbelievably cool and I can’t believe it, even after three years of doing it!) so writing for fun can feel too much like work, which makes sense and is something everyone has to deal with when their passion/hobby earns them a pay check so I can’t be mad at myself for it.

That’s not the only thing that’s been holding me back though. Comparison is another thing that’s stopped me in my tracks, and you know by now that I’m no stranger to this issue yet time and time again I struggle with it.

Seeing other people be successful and live the life I think I want online can sometimes be debilitating, and that’s something I’ve been dealing with a lot more during lockdown because scrolling can be a good escape but it has negative side effects!

I’ve written advice pieces in the past, and will no doubt do so again in the future, of how to not let comparison stop you, of how to be yourself, of how to remain creative but like all good advice I just haven’t been taking it from myself and have let things go, in more ways than one.

But, hey, I’m back now and I’m trying.

I don’t really know where I’m going with this post now, and I don’t want it to turn into a page of excuses because quite frankly no one is interested in that – not even me! I just needed to create a small way to get started again, to get used to writing about myself again, and I’m happy to have this space for it.

If you’ve stuck around or even just found this page by accident, I’m so freaking grateful to see you here. I’m excited to get back into what makes me happy once more, and I’m changing up several areas of my life as we speak so I’m in a better headspace to keep things going.

It’s been a bloody tough time lately, (she says from a massive place of privilege, which I’m so grateful for FYI!) so no wonder we all need a little time adjusting. That’s how I’m going to see this phase – an adjustment period.

We’ve had a few of them over the past 12 months, but I’m going to give myself the grace and space I would anyone else to figure it all out again. I think you should be doing that for yourself too, no matter where you’ve ended up after all this.

I wanted to say that I want to come back now, I’m excited to start creating as and when I’m able too and this is the first phase of adjusting for me.

I hope you’re safe and well, take care of yourself.

Speak soon,

Rachael.

Photo by Danielle MacInnes on Unsplash

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