I feel like I’ve spent my whole life being ashamed of myself. I’ve always felt like I’m too much or not enough, and while things are getting better, there is one major source of shame that I have yet to shake.

I’m a very passionate person. As a kid, this meant I was loud, opinionated and frequently told I’d be a ‘good lawyer’ (which we all know is code for ‘you talk too much’). When I got a little older and more insecure, I still had these traits, but they were hidden from most people.

I was quiet at school, too afraid to raise my hand and answer questions, even when I knew the answers. I wanted to avoid being noticed at all costs.

Now I’m a fully-fledged adult, and I find these two parts of myself battling daily. I’m torn between being the loud, opinionated, and annoying girl I was and the quiet, frightened woman I became to make things easier.

However, only one of them is the main source of my shame. And whenever she comes out, whether I’ve had too much to drink, been honest with a friend, or simply shared an opinion I’ve been holding for weeks, I am crippled with embarrassment.

The cringe culture of the 2010s has never left me, and the fact that this is still holding me down at 30 years old is exhausting. It all boils down to the fact I feel like I’m too much – I’m too earnest about the things I care about.

Like a lot of insecurities, we never feel the same about other people, do we? Earnestness and passion are incredibly endearing to me. In fact, it’s incredibly attractive.

In fact, let’s take it a step further – not only are these endearing qualities, but passion and earnestness are needed.

They’re needed for art; all good art, books, and music have come from someone being deeply in their feelings. That’s what makes a book, movie, or song so special. Hearing a lyric, reading a line or seeing a beautiful scene is life-changing, and that would not come without the artist being earnest.

Earnestness is also needed for any form of political progress or social change. People need to be genuinely interested and engaged to make a difference.

To get people to listen, they need to also believe what they’re saying, and that’s being earnest.

earnest
adjective
– resulting from or showing sincere and intense conviction.

The fact that being earnest means being intense and sincere is why this feels like a shameful emotion for me. I feel like I’m too intense in my opinions, my emotions and my love for people, and that’s embarrassing.

Sharing this sincerely with people is vulnerable; it exposes parts of you that can be easily hurt, and that’s why I have such trouble with it.

The 1975 said it best: Sincerity is scary. To let people into who you are and what you’re doing is bloody terrifying. But that’s what art, and by extension living, is all about, isn’t it?

The world would be nothing without passionate people. From political progress to award-winning movies, some of the best things we see come from people who are so passionate, so earnest, they cannot keep it to themselves.

So what makes me think I’m excluded from this? Why am I the chosen one to whom the rules do not apply?

If passion and earnestness are good for creatives, then it’s good for me, a creative. If passion is needed for art, interest, attraction, then why can’t the same be said about my own feelings?

I haven’t quite figured out how to get rid of this shame or how to stop it from ruining the day after a confession, but I do want to acknowledge that I see it and I know it’s bollocks. Perhaps publicly sharing this will help you, too.

At the end of the day, the world needs passionate people. Whether that manifests itself as being a fangirl, an acivist or the quiet creative kid creating dreamworlds in the back of the classroom, we need you to give a shit.

The days of nonchalance are over; I mean, look at where it’s gotten us! It’s time for us to be earnest, to be passionate, and to no longer be ashamed of who we are. I’ll try if you will.

Speak soon,

Rachael.

Photo by Roman Grachev on Unsplash