unbecoming

adjective

1.(especially of clothing or a colour) not flattering.

2.(of behaviour) not fitting or appropriate; unseemly.

This year marks a bit of a milestone for me as I will be entering a whole new decade. I’m moving away from the naive comfort of my twenties and entering the official stages of adulthood.

At this weird and interesting time, I’m thinking a lot about the person I’m becoming.

I’m thinking about the lessons I’m taking into this new decade, the things I no longer believe, and what there is still to learn about myself and the world.

One thing keeps coming up – an unbecoming of sorts.

I’ve spoken before about unlearning, and while that post was a more generic discussion on society and roles, it’s also happening on a micro level.

I am unlearning a lot about myself and my belief systems right now. I’m realising that a lot of the things I currently carry are not mine to hold.

By shedding these things, I am un-becoming the person I used to be. And I may be an unbecoming person to experience without them.

Shedding Rules & Roles

One thing I am shedding, which is undoubtedly going to make me unbecoming, is acceptability.

I am no longer willing to accept things; to just take what I’m given, to squeeze myself into spaces I don’t fit or roles I’ve been given.

Ageing makes you more confident, but more importantly, it makes you defiant. And that’s what is allowing me to discover the truth about who I am, what I want, and how I can fight back.

The confidence of ageing comes from the fact I know more about myself now than I ever did. But defiance is the true motivator, because I’m tired and a little bored with the repeating patterns of my life. And so it’s finally time to stick them.

A little backstory – I have followed the rules my entire life. I was a teacher’s pet at school; I worked my arse off to get good grades, a degree, and a job. I did the classic thing of following what the grown-ups tell you to do and expected to be rewarded.

For the longest time, I have done things because I’ve had to, not necessarily because that’s what I want or what I even believe.

However, as I’m entering a new decade of life, I no longer want to carry the weight of other people’s expectations and requirements with me.

My own decisions and opinions matter more and that’s all I need moving forward.

The Feminine Side

Acceptability is something women, especially, are taught from a young age. We’re told to be polite not only because it’s the right thing to do, but also as a keep ourselves safe.

I am happy to see that this isn’t always the case these days, as Gen Z seem to be more outspoken and honest in a lot of ways. I want to follow in the footsteps of the younger generation by not being polite just for the sake of it.

I don’t want to shrink myself down just to fit in; I don’t want to feel like I’m too much or not enough. Instead, I can just be.

I won’t laugh at your jokes if they’re not funny, I won’t let that comment slide; heck, I don’t have to talk to you if I don’t want to!

Removing politeness and acceptability will make me an unbecoming woman. And I’m pretty excited about that fact.

“’It’s unbecoming,’ she agreed. ‘A perfect word for my new life. Unbecoming. I who have always been unbecoming am becoming un.”

• Gregory Maguire, Wicked: The Life and Times of the Wicked Witch of the West

Unbecoming With Age

I have to say, unbecoming is much easier when you’re older. Not only because your brain is finally clicking into place and becoming a fully working machine, but also because you’re kind of invisible – especially as a woman.

While 30 is not old in the slightest, I no longer feel like I’m being watched all the time like I was in my early twenties.

To be fair, my life entering my 30s is a lot quieter than it once was – and intentionally so. I have limited social interactions, and largely get to choose who these interactions are with. I no longer have to report to a teacher or a physical manager who interrupts with what I do, how I look, and what I believe, which makes it easier for me to be invisible,

These days, I answer to myself, and this is helping the unbecoming of me to take shape.

It also helps that at this age, I have some experience with following my own path, doing what I want, and seeing how great this can be.

I am incredibly blessed and happy with my current life. And I have noticed that the happiness I currently experience has not necessarily come from following rules, but rather from making my own decisions.

My current job, the freedom and quietness of my life, and the timeline of my relationship are all things that bring me joy and make me happy to be the woman I am today, but they do not look like the guidelines given to me by other people. Which is precisely why they work.

If I can achieve that, what else can I do by shedding and unbecoming?

I wanted to write this post as a little marker to where I am currently. I’m learning and unlearning a lot, and want to be able to keep track of these realisations as they take shape.

It’s not going to be a useful postfor anyone else reading, but perhaps Rachael of the future will see the beginnings of the woman she became right here.

Here’s to unbecoming women, and becoming who we’re meant to be.

Speak soon,

Rachael.

Photo by Miriam Espacio on Unsplash