It’s that time of the year again – as we approach the end, many of us are overthinking what we’ve done, who we are, and where we want to go.

For my 1995/6 babies, we’re approaching (or have recently entered) a whole new milestone, which may make things feel heavier.

There’s something about the passing of time, man. As an adult, Christmas can feel less magical because it’s just another sign of getting older, moving on, and feeling stuck.

In this headspace, I’m reflecting on growing up and becoming an adult. While my age and a lot of my life may appear adult, I’m waiting for my insides to catch up.

(my body is already doing a good job at that. Why did no one tell me the creaking knees that come in your mid to late twenties?)

Growing up is a strange experience, but one I’m finding can be summed up by that Pinterest-famous James Baldwin quote:

It took many years of vomiting up all the filth I’d been taught about myself, and half-believed, before I was able to walk on the earth as though I had a right to be here.

Today, I want to focus on the ‘vomiting up all the filth I’d been taught’ section, because that’s what matters.

Growing And Vomiting Up

A large part of growing up is ‘vomiting up all the filth’.

Whether that’s filth about you who are and who you should be, or wider societial norms such as the ‘white picket fence’ dreamland, growing up requires an awful lot of unlearning and relearning.

A lot of people focus on the self-development side of this quote, and the process overall, but I’m realising that there’s more to it than that.

We need to vomit up everything we’ve been told, because none of it applies anymore.

As a millennial (boo hiss), I was brought up with very specific messages that simply do not make sense anymore.

Messages such as doing well at school, working hard, and sticking to things.

Coming from a working-class background, the idea of working hard was severely pushed. Working hard was not just required to get through life, but it was also taught as a way to ‘get out’ and do better for yourself. That in itself is a whole blog post, and something I’m not getting into today! I just want you to know that I was deep in these messages and morals for as long as I can remember.

It makes sense why these kinds of messages were being pushed to us back then. They had been pushed to our parents and their parents, so they were only doing what was natural.

The thing is, back then, it made sense.

It made sense to say, if you work hard, you’ll be alright or if you stick in at school, you’ll get a good job. Because for a time that was true.

While my parents are working class and money was a constant struggle throughout both mine and their lives, they still had the house, marriage and two kids they were expected to have. Life in the 80s and 90s for my (white, English) parents was pretty good. They were doing what was expected of them.

The same could be said for their friends, their peers, and the generation before them.

This is not another post on the Internet bemoaning the loss of the ‘good ol’ days’. While a lot of things were easier even in the 1990s or early 2000s, and I’m certainly bemoaning that, there were obvious issues as well.

However, looking back is the only way to figure out why so many of us feel lost, confused and scared right now. While millennials and other generations are feeling so confused, burnt out, and generally pissed off.

We have followed the old rules, but have yet to see the rewards we were promised.

Many of us do not have the relationships, home, careers or general stability we thought we’d have by now. The things we were told we would have if only we worked hard, pushed more, and kept going.

This is why I think the Baldwin quote is brilliant and so valuable at this time. Not only does it apply to unlearning things about yourself, but also the rules we have been given along the way.

It’s shit and hard and scary, but those rules and the things our parents thought to be true are simply not anymore, and we cannot keep playing by them/

The world looks completely different today than it did then – than it ever has. Of course, those old rules no longer make sense, but we have yet to replace them. That leaves chaos and fear and a whole lot of stress in its wake.

What are we supposed to do? How are we supposed to live now?

Who the fuck knows.

Unlearning

Unlearning is a huge part of the process, and I think it needs to be done on a personal and societal level.

Not only do you need to vomit up all the shit you’ve been told about yourself, but also about how the world works and what you can get by following steps a, b and c.

I have no solution for this, no tips to help you get by because I’m in the middle of it all myself. While I have understood and been working on the personal development side of things for years, I’m only just realising how much stuff I have to work through elsewhere.

Basically, everything you’ve ever been taught is wrong and now you have to figure out a new way.

This post may seem a bit bleak and pointless, but I basically wanted to say, I’m here. You’re not alone. As the Wildcats sang in 2006, we’re all in this together.

Speak soon,

Rachael.

Photo by The Prototype on Unsplash