How often do you feel jealous?

It’s an ugly word and, honestly, a shameful emotion to experience but that doesn’t make it any less impactful.

For me, jealousy feels very juvenile. It reeks of teenage insecurity, yet here I am, almost 30 years old, and still experiencing it.

There are camps that claim that jealousy isn’t necessary a bad thing. Like with all other emotions, it’s what you do with it that counts. And I feel like I’m learning to be more on that side.

While I still get embarrassed and annoyed at myself for feeling jealous, I can see where they’re coming from.

A Little Background

I have always been a jealous person; I have always compared myself to other people.

One of my earliest memories is crying to my mam about how my voice didn’t sound ‘like the other girls’. I was upset because I thought I was coming across too manly.

I was in nursery, so around four years old at the time.

Now, over two decades later, I still find myself feeling jealous of other women, comparing myself to people and coming out worse off.

While I have to admit that this has lessened over time, and of course the things I’m jealous over have changed slightly, it’s still there. An experience I began having at four years old continues to haunt me to this day – what’s the deal with that?

Listening To Jealousy

Jealousy is trying to get you to pay attention to something you want

• Mel Robbins

Even though there is a lot of shame around jealousy and I feel uncomfortable experiencing it (let alone admitting to it), it does feel nice to give it a purpose.

Whenever I feel jealous – someone has something I want – I need to take a step back and truly consider what’s going on.

Why is this feeling coming up? What do they have that I don’t?

A Quick Side Note: The Narcissism Of Low Self Esteem

While I am incredibly grateful to have a lot of the things I’ve always wanted, and can’t believe I do, this still hasn’t proven to me that change is possible.

I still catch myself staring wistfully off into the distance, desperate for things to change in an instant.

I know that making changes is hard. This whole blog is based around the idea of self-development, improving yourself and changing your life, because it’s something I’m passionate about. But I still struggle seeing results. I always have great ideas, but rarely execute them.

I often believe that it won’t happen to me.

There’s a lot of narcissism in self-hatred

• David Foster Wallace

If I don’t think it can happen to me, despite seeing success stories my entire life and actively seeking them out when times get tough, I must think I’m some kind of special person, right?

If it can happen for everyone else; they can get the house, the job, the body, the success, but I can’t, then I must be on a whole other level, right?

The jealousy I experience comes from seeing people have what I want, and feeling like I can’t have it myself. But if I can see it in other people, then it is possible for me to have it.

I am not special. I am human too, just like all the girls I look at, the friends I’m envious of, the success stories that inspire me. So, let’s stop thinking of ourselves as some outside species.

Despite the obvious differences and varying circumstances we all deal with, change is possible to everyone.

And it’s time to believe it.

So, If jealousy is a sign of desire, what do I need to do next?

Lessons In Jealousy

Jealousy is teaching me what I want, and I’m getting to the age where I no longer want to just ‘wait and see what happens’.

I’ve been struggling with the same things for a long time now (like that aforementioned self esteem) and, in the words of my mother – if I won’t do it, no one else will.

Instead of running away from myself, shying away from hard work and change, I need to listen.

I need to take the time to see where my jealousy points to and figure out a way I can get myself there.

As the meme goes, I’m an adult with a bank card. There are things I can do for myself now that were not possible a while ago, and what a wasted opportunity it would be if I continue down this path.

I’m sure my good friend jealousy will remain with me as I go through these changes and improvement arcs. It’ll always be there – popping up from time to time to show me what I still want to achieve.

But that’s okay, now I’m learning to understand her.

Change Is Hard, Man

This is not an easy path, changing yourself.

It’s not easy to see the parts of you that need to change or to finally admit that you’re far away from what you want. It’s not fun to look at the calendar and realise time does move on, so if you want something done, you better start now.

It can be difficult, but I’m not frightened, nor do I want anyone else to be about this. I’m just interested in trying something new, seeing myself in a new light and watching how far I can go.

I hope you’ll join me and use your jealousy to push you closer to who you want to be.

Speak soon,

Rachael.

Photo by Nijwam Swargiary on Unsplash