It’s tough being a woman, because being a woman means constantly choking on madness.

There’s a deep-set fear every woman has that any day she’ll crack. And once a woman cracks, there’s no going back because by revealing your soft, vulnerable insides everyone can see what you really are – sick.

Almost every woman I have ever met has a secret belief that she is just on the edge of madness, that there is some deep, crazy part within her, that she must be on guard constantly against ‘losing control’ — of her temper, of her appetite, of her sexuality, of her feelings, of her ambition, of her secret fantasies, of her mind.”

– Elana Dykewomon, Sinister Wisdom 36.

The Feminine Curse

Being a woman in the world is exhausting. It’s an ongoing battle, which you must show up to every day. A constant fight between who you are and the person your body makes you.

We’ve all heard the stories of women beaten, abused, and broken because their bodies looked like an invitation. And so women will text when they get home; carry their keys between their fingers; and have emergency numbers always on standby because their bodies makes them unsafe in the world.

If the threat of violence from other people isn’t enough, we’re constantly clawing at ourselves too. Comparison, shame and disdain are a daily internal battle between a woman and her body because of how she’s taught to see it and what she feels.

By focusing so much on the external, there is little room for anything deeper. Women barely have the energy to make it through the day with the constant battle against their own minds and the rest of the world, so no wonder so many of us can barely scratch the surface of who we truly are.

This external focus is to keep us busy, and it certainly works. It forces women to neglect their internal callings, but we forget that internal callings will not go quietly. Like a baby due her bottle, your internal self will continue to scream and cry until she can be ignored no longer.

Distrust And Madness

Distrust of our feminine bodies is ingrained into us and insecurity is incentivised. Money is made from the distrust of feminity, and the further away from ourselves we are the more useful we are to the rest of the world.

There is a darkness inside every woman that when ignored long enough, simply has no other option but to burst apart. It doesn’t matter how much you exhaust yourself trying to hold it in, you will crack eventually.

Women have the dark, mystical power of the moon and tides within their bellies but are still afraid of the dar. We have never been taught anything but how to be afraid. We are never taught how to trust our bodies and the mystic within; to respect the feminine power.

Instead we’re taught fear, repulsion and shame. It is this internalised shame that causes the inherently female madness, this cracking that we’re all desperate to prevent.

From the moment you’re seen as a girl, the pressure begins. The crushing weight of what it means to be a woman in the world today, combined with what it has always meant to be a woman, starts to pile on and continues to get heavier with each new day and every experience.

The world decided long ago that to be woman is to be wrong and will make you crumble. So why are you holding on? Let yourself crack, it’s going to happen eventually.

Mastering The Dark Arts

While I continue to struggle and fight with the wild urges inside me, others have come out the other side. That’s not the say they have been saved from the feminine madness but rather embraced it.

A simple search on TikTok will garner millions of results for ‘the dark feminine’, showcasing our desperation to understand what it is we’re experiencing and see whether it is something we can live harmoniously with.

The dark feminine is not necessarily what you think, but that’s for you to discover. It’s certainly more than dark lipstick and maninuplative dating techniques, as social media may have to you believe. But it’s also not necessarily the finality you fear.

Being a woman can be messy, painful, and scary and that’s what the dark feminine – this inherent madness – is.

In your quest for answers, or even for comfort that you’re not alone, remember that not everyone has the right answers for you. It’s likely that along with your sexual desires, your clothing style and your passions, your feminine madness is something to figure out on our own.

For now, I’d suggest Clarice Lispector, Anais Nin, Ottessa Moshfegh, Camille Paglia and the Bronte’s to learn more about the dark arts of feminity and how it can be unleashed. This video also unadvertley inspired a lot of this conversation.

Being a woman can be hell, but that doesn’t mean we have to suffer.

Speak soon,

Rachael.

Photo : Ophelia – Head Study, 1852 by John Everett Millais Millais from Birmingham Museums Trust on Unsplash