You would think with the amount of times I’ve written a post like this in the past I would learn that there is no such thing as permanent stability.

But here we are again.

I recently turned 28 and while I have achieved a lot over the past few years, something wasn’t right. I’d been having some issues with my job, my housing and my overall lifestyle for a little while and – as we can expect with birthdays and other big milestones – it all came to a head at once.

In my last post, I talked about some of the major changes that happened to me last year. I’d finally moved out of my parents’s house and began living full-time with my partner, which had been a goal for so many years. While I continue to be incredibly grateful for this, and get still get excited that I’m now at this point in my life, it hasn’t been perfect.

Breaking Down

Like all changes, it has been a major learning curve and along with some emotional issues over the past year, the fact our physical space was falling apart hasn’t made things any easier. There’s no need to get deep into it, but I’m sure anyone who is renting or has rented a place in the past can understand what I mean.

The state of your home, this place where you spend so much time, has a major effect on you and this felt like too much to deal with at some points. Especially as I work from home and since getting a puppy have become even more of a hermit.

Speaking of work, that’s another issue.

I have been a freelancer for six years now and while I love it, it also hasn’t been perfect. Any freelancer will tell you that money is always an issue (and I know that now applies to basically any career path right now too) and the unpredictability is incredibly stressful.

While reflecting on my life, as one does around birthdays, I felt stagnant. I felt so far behind from my peers and wondered what I had to show for all this time working towards a particular career.

I’ve always wanted to be a writer. That has been a constant in my life and getting this job back in 2018 was incredible for more, as it meant I could make a living doing what I love. But then fast forward to now and it turns out I can’t make a real living doing this; all of my effort felt wasted and I didn’t know what else I could do.

Having such a clear vision for your future can be a good thing, but when things start to fall apart what are you supposed to do then?

As the kid who always knew what they wanted to do, I’ve had this certainty about my life with me for as long as I can remember. Suddenly being made to face the fact that this might not work out is not only devastating but scary.

I thought I’d pigeonholed myself too much that there was simply nowhere to turn.

The Reckoning

As you can imagine, especially if you’ve been here before and know what kind of person I am, this was a very stressful time.

For weeks I found it difficult to get up, perform the daily tasks I needed and just continue because it all felt pointless. Combined with other areas of life kicking off at the same time too (because of course, it would), I didn’t know what to do.

Now, I’m not writing this post from the other side. In fact, many of the things I’ve mentioned are still very much happening and there is still a fair bit of uncertainty hanging over us at the moment.

But I’ve changed.

At least, I’m trying to and I’m actively forcing myself to move forward – no matter how much my inner critic complains. Because sitting in that space of fear, uncertainty and insecurity was doing no good to anyone, least of all myself.

You know I love a fresh start, but this is a little different because I’m not expecting perfection. I’m not expecting anything, to be honest, just enough to carry on.

I posted something on my vision board at the start of the year about controlling only what I can. It’s actually a meme that refers to organizing your sock drawer when life falls apart, but the sentiment is genuine and it’s something I’d forgotten about during this time.

While I can control the state of my sock drawer, I can also control my outlook and my reactions to things.

If I was reading this, I’d also be rolling my eyes but hear me out. I’m not saying that we should pretend to be okay when we’re not or push ourselves when we just need a break, because that has the opposite effect of what we all need.

Instead, I’m just trying to be more positive and active. Essentially, I’m telling myself to get a grip.

The New Focus

You cannot always control what goes on outside. But you can always control what goes on inside

Wayne Dyer

This is by no means a new concept, nor am I expecting to be the first person you’ve heard this from. I know there are whole books, podcasts and conventions built on this idea of control but sometimes it takes a while to understand what you already know.

Again, perfection isn’t the goal for me this time so I don’t expect a constant journey. But I know I can try my best to focus on what I can control, show up for myself and do the work all of which will lead me to feeling better.

When I feel better, I can act better. Plus having some control in one area of my life will make it easier to manage the others I don’t.

There’s something to be said about gratitude and positive thinking, annoyingly, and that’s where I’m writing from today. It helps that the sun is shining, I have things to do and I’m at a stable point in my cycle, but still.

…

If I want 28 to make a difference, then I need to start over with my perspective. I need to see everything with fresh eyes and ensure that I keep moving in the ways I can to encourage changes to come forward.

This is a rambling post and one that is pretty repetitive for this blog, but writing helps and this is a good time to share who I am in this moment.

Life may not be going the way you wanted or expected, but this does not mean you have to get stuck. Feel your feelings, give yourself what you need but also remember that you do have some control here. Control over yourself, what you do today and how you allow things to continue may seem small in the grand scheme of things, but it’s a focus.

Anything you can focus on to get you through and help make changes you need is a positive, and I’m hoping to also continue down this path.

Speak soon,

Rachael

Photo by Nguyen Dang Hoang Nhu on Unsplash